A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
😅🤣😂
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me refusing to leave twitter
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.