I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
You Might Also Like
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone