me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?