PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
You Might Also Like
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
my name if I was in the mob
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Ugh
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.