Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.