Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage