Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Knock Knock
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
This is the one
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.