Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
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[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”