Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!