This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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bears
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious