ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.