All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.