Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Steam Forums
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia