I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.