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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let鈥檚 get nachos
me: BYE WE鈥橰E GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON鈥橳 YOU?!?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can鈥檛 look at the menu.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes