Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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Become ungovernable.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.