Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.