*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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🤣🤣
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Good morning
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*