“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
23. the denim jacket
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.