throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
You Might Also Like
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera