*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.