They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”