My new favorite headline
You Might Also Like
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name