waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]