Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
is nasa ok
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
do what now??
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Love this one 😂🧟
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes