I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.