So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me