Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
You Might Also Like
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…