Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?