“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
get you a girl who
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be