Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My work here is done
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that