Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Snapes on a plane.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂