Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
You Might Also Like
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
At least try to make it slightly believable
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
How software testing works
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.