I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.