Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people