Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti