Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
You Might Also Like
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY