My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.