She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments