Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sign of the day..
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.