Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?