VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I want what they have
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya