Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??