Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?