SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
That took me a moment.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
✌🏽
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.