Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’d rather fork than spoon.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know