NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?