Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down