*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?