There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead